I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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