I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
