nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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