You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
