Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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