Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
