my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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