So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
