I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
