Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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