Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
