Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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