Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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