I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My ATM looks so different sober.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
