ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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