Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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