So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
