it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
