I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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