No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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