Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
