Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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