Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
