I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
