Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
