Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
