im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
