I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she told me i tasted like america
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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