I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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