We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
