does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
