I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
