3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I understand Curling. That high.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
