What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
