I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
