After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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