Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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