I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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