I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
