Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
