i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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