I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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