No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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