i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
