I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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