Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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