I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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