Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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