i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
