I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
