puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
