I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
