my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
